I love hating NextDoor. At first glance, this seemingly helpful social media concept makes a lot of sense – provide a platform where neighbors can chat with neighbors, inquire about lost pets and peddle hideous sofas. But there’s also a dark underbelly. I’m talking about the dire warnings that reveal my sleepy residential neighborhood as a Gotham City-esque crime nexus.
The breathless alerts about suspicious vehicles cruising our tree-lined streets, presumably in search of houses to burgle and cars (or mail) to steal. The panicky postings, usually around 3 a.m., about whether those loud sounds were just fireworks or drug cartel warfare. The dog-poop-in-my-front-yard rants by outraged homeowners, demanding hard prison time for their careless neighbors.
Mostly, though, I love hating NextDoor because of the comments section, populated entirely by the Gladys Kravitz's of the world who snoop and judge from behind the safety of their e-blinds.
Nothing gets their virtual panties in a twist more than wild animal sightings of (almost always) coyotes roaming our suburban savannas. Their alerts usually include fervid pleas to protect outdoor fur babies and keep children indoors, accompanied by lots of exclamation points!!!
Here’s what I mean:
“Alert! We found a carcass in our front yard - definitely the remainder of a larger animal’s meal. (Our guess is a coyote since we have seen one hanging around). Unfortunately, we will just say “it” was likely someone’s pet. Keep your fur babies close and safe.”
“Coyote (single) spotted Friday. Early pet walkers, watch your pets!!! While no signs of aggression, too close for comfort!!!!! Protect your fur babies and children!!!!!”
“Was unloading car in driveway and coyote zoomed right by me probably chasing stray cat, scared me (think I scared him too) looked lean and hungry, called animal control but they won’t do anything, need to clean out woods near creek its dangerous watch pets and kids!!!!!”
Now I'm not advocating that we invite coyotes to the dinner table. But a recent alert energized my fifth-grader sense of humor. So I posted this – “Was that rascally Wile E. Coyote lugging a wooden crate labeled ‘Acme’ filled with anvils and rocket-propelled roller skates?”
I got a couple “lols.” But mostly I got excoriated, with plenty of poor grammar, for not being serious enough about this unbridled threat:
“This is a serious matter that you should take seriously.”
“Take the warning of coyotes seriously it's not funny whoever thinks it's funny be careful about your pet or your child or yourself take this seriously let lol is not as an answer or reply.”
“I am a Retired, Trauma nurse And a missionary nurse and I have seen the results of what a COYOTOES can do So silly jokes don't do well with me text years they what people say grow up.”
Coyotoes? A new brand of furry foot-warmers? Yes, I make silly jokes and I'm sorry they don't do well with you. Obviously, neither does putting words together so they make sense. I bet you're a blast at parties, scowling at the dips, scolding the hosts for serving too many Funyuns and playing that devil music too loud. That's called "sarcasm," BTW. It's also sarcasm to assume you're even invited to parties. And I lied, I'm not sorry one ding-dang bit - especially about not taking this serious matter seriously.
Seriously, y'all.
Oh dear, did I just write a NextDoor-ish response? I fear I did. And that's another reason I love to hate NextDoor - it’s so easy to high-handedly gripe, bitch, grumble, moan, lecture, hector and kvetch about the wretches that live nearby.
These super-judgy comments came from just one posting:
“You all sound like see-you-next-Tuesdays. Achieve higher and move to another neighborhood.”
“I’m glad to see that you’re finding it helpful to insult as many people as possible so that nobody will miss you when you’re gone.”
“I think both of you are being childish for going back and forth on a social media platform and for what? To outdo one another? This does not solve anything.”
In theory, I’d agree with the third responder. But in practice, they’re also perpetuating the back and forth. Which I’m quite grateful for, as it’s all endlessly amusing to peruse at a really long red light.
And speaking of traffic and driving:
“I'd like to report this JERK, who apparently was in a huge rush to get somewhere! The person in this car Porsche Panamera was on my tail, then proceeded to pass me and sped off! Funny thing is, we both sat at the light! I'm very irritated that people can't even slow down and be cautious of the little kids, what if one ran into the street!”
The inevitable condemnations followed:
“Thank you so much for getting this picture....I am Soooooo Sick of people speeding through our neighborhoods Obviously alot of them live here Everyone needs to slow down....”
“People need to stop cutting through the neighborhood. Those that use the alley are guilty of speeding and being rude to those of us that live on the alley.”
Not really sure how many of us live on the alley, or in it, but that’s a quibble.
This guy, thankfully, has a sense of humor (and I swear it's not me):
"Looks like they couldn't pony up a little extra $ for the Turbo either - now there's the real tragedy!"
I’d say more but I just saw in the “for sale” section that there’s a guy selling his dad’s vintage silver Rolex for $350. That's gotta be real, right?
Seriously. I love hating NextDoor.