The Hysteria Channel’s once-hot “Ancient Aliens” program is finally running out of steam. Not hard to believe, given that it’s always been a sort of one-joke premise – humans are too dumb to build pyramids and indoor plumbing, therefore aliens are responsible.
The show’s remarkably lengthy run – it debuted in 2010 and is now in its 14th season (that Hollywood math mystifies me more than any alien theories) – is due entirely to the shocking imbecility of people, mostly Americans, who’ll believe anything as long as it’s weirder and dumber than boring facts. Explains Trump.
Most episodes actually begin reasonably enough, with lovely cinematography about various Earth-bound oddities such as Stonehenge, the Easter island statues and, of course, the Bermuda Triangle, among other genuinely interesting topics.
But about ten minutes in, rather than explore possible earthly solutions (like, just maybe, humans aren’t as dumb as they look), the show’s thesis devolves to, “Well, we dunno, so it must have been aliens.”
And rather than prove their thesis with facts (because there aren’t any), they distract us with obscure myths from all over the planet, as if to say, “See? All this stuff adds up to aliens, so we’re right, nyaah.”
Such as: Who were the giant, godlike Annunaki mentioned in the Bible? What were the Vimanas, those flying machines mentioned in Indian lore? How about those moon-based UFO sites photographed by the Chinese? (No wonder we never went back, presuming we ever really went in the first place and oh, by the way, the moon is really hollow and a big spaceship.)
And don’t forget the crystal skulls, Göbekli Tepe in Turkey (that’s always wedged in there somewhere) and even a Nazi time-travel machine (google “Die Glocke” if you don’t believe me).
And the hosts. Oh, the hosts.
There’s Giorgio Tsoukalos, an amiable guy with a charming Greek accent and wild stick-up hair. There’s George Noory, host of a long-running radio show you’ve never heard, with the worst Grecian Formula dye job you’ve ever seen. There’s wild-eyed archaeologist/explorer David Childress, smirky author David Wilcock, sincere author Graham Philips, attractive and unhinged Carolyn Corey, intense and unhinged investigative reporter Linda Moulton Howe, among many, many others.
They’re truly fun to watch, in the same way it’s fun to watch a slow-moving train wreck. Which is why I love it. Or used to, at least.
All this nonsense started in the fevered mind of Erich von Däniken, a Swiss author (and ex-con) who wrote and published "Chariots of the Gods" in 1968. His hypothesis in a nutshell (pun intended) - all those visits by gods and angels from early human fables all over the world weren't divine. They were aliens.
I have vivid memories of reading his book on the school bus and being fascinated by the whole idea. “Why not?” asked my immature, as-yet-undeveloped mind. I bought into the whole JFK conspiracy too, as well as “Paul is dead” theories, among other adolescent fascinations.
Then I grew up. Meanwhile, Däniken grew an industry. To date, his book has sold 70 million copies, which proves nothing other than people really are idiots. More books, movies, lectures and other promotions assured him a good living and spun into “Ancient Aliens,” where he’s presented as a revered, ground-breaking theorist.
And maybe he is. Who knows? Even a broken clock is right twice a day. And in an era of disappointment and frustration looking for explanations, the weirder the better.
But it’s the so-called “evidence” that sucks me into watching and cackling at the TV show.
For example, an early episode shows tiny, thousand-year old gold jewelry pieces from Tolima, Columbia, that look like insects but also, to be fair, resemble modern delta-winged aircraft.
The show profiles a couple of nerds who built a four-foot scale model of one of the bugs, exact in every detail except for the minor, almost insignificant additions (my sarcasm) of wing flaps, landing gear, an engine, propeller and remote control joystick. With much ado, they then launch it into the sky where it flies around, performs a number of impressive dips and dives, then lands in one piece.
The reality is that you could stuff all that into a shoe and it’d fly, too. And that’s when the show goes into sweaty overdrive with leaps of logic that defy, well, logic.
“See?" they chortle. "The ancients understood aerodynamics. But they couldn’t have, because they were just primitive mud hut dwellers. Therefore, someone gave them the technology and that someone must have been ALIEN! And Peru’s famous Nazca lines? That's not a hummingbird, it's really an aerial signpost for a passenger airline that the ancient Peruvians started but passengers complained about the crappy service and lack of llama room. PROOF!”
Okay, I made that last part up. except for the hummingbird bit.
But you get my point – the show links authentic mysteries with conjectures about alien know-how while downplaying the actual mystery – how’d people do that?
And here’s the reality about alien visitors that you won’t hear about (because if you did, there’d be no show). If ancient aliens ever copped to us being here, they almost certainly would NOT share their wisdom, advise us on construction techniques or impart their galaxy-hopping technology.
They’d eat us.
Think about it. If we stumbled onto a planet packed with giant lobsters, we’d be whipping up vats of melted butter faster than you can say “Would you like fries with that?”
I think Rod Serling got it right in “To Serve Man,” a 1962 Twilight Zone episode where aliens come to Earth with a manuscript that turns out to be a cookbook.
Further, I think we’re a big ol’ bag of stupid for sending radio messages into space in hopes that someone/something responds. It’s like broadcasting a commercial that screams, “Blue plate special right here!”
But since we’ve been hollering about our presence for more than 50 years, it may be too late.
So if they DO contact us, let’s just pretend they’re telemarketers and ignore them. With any luck, maybe they’ll go away and take their vats of melted butter with them.
